oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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