I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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