Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
