You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Terrible idea I love it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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