I must be too annoying 4 u.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
