wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize