If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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