I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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