dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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