remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i think my mom watched the whole time
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
