my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
