So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
