I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
COCAINE IS GR8
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
