the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
