Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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