1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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