I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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