take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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