girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
