i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
