But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
