Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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