I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Everything about him screamed your future.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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