I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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