he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
