I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
