Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
