Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
