Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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