I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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