Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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