tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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