Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
