I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
