Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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