seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
