All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
