All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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