My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
barbara walters just said penis...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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