i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My feet surprised me
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