I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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