i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
