Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
