can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
