turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
