Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Pappa wants mamma naked
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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