I cannot find my penis.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
