y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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