so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
