Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
