Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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