i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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