I want to have your abortion
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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