Duck Duck Cougar?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
