I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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