I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
