He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
